Helpful hints. Some unhappy couples give up on their marriage & divorce. Seven key principles can improve the odds of maintaining a positive relationship. Described in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they emphasize the value of friendship btwn partners, accepting each other's influence, & being gentle during disagreements. What's most puzzling about unhappy couples is their sincere insistence of deep love & commitment - even as they order each other to 'shut up.' They act like adversaries rather than lovers, trapped by an absorbing state of negativity. A specific poison renders them unhappy: betrayal. Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship. If a spouse puts career ahead of relationship, that is betrayal. When one keeps breaking her promise, that is also betrayal. Pervasive coldness, selfishness, unfairness, and other destructive behaviors are all evidence of disloyalty. There is a fundamental principle for making relationships work that serves as an antidote to unfaithfulness. That principle is trust. Happy couples say that mutual trust is what lets them feel safe with each other, deepens their love, & allows friendship & sexual intimacy to blossom. Unhappy partners lack this element. In relationships where there is a high potential for betrayal, people waste time & emotional energy. Whether the fear concerns adultery or faithlessness, suspicious people act like detectives or prosecuting attorneys, interrogating partners, looking for verification that their insecurity is justified. Decision making becomes exhaustive. Stress levels go into hyperdrive. In sharp contrast, trust removes an enormous amount of stress b/c it allows you to act w/ incomplete information. You don't subject your mind to & body to constant worry, so the complexity of decision making falls. Implicit trust saves you a lot of time. Not all relationships can or should survive betrayal. The loss must be acknowledged & confronted before moving on. If you are recovering fm a breakup, understand what went wrong & try again with someone new. Charting a way forward after a deep wound is just as important as learning to make a relationship work. If your last relationship failed, you may fear trusting someone again. But this wariness can leave you vulnerable to lifelong, profound loneliness. Isolation has serious psychological repercussions as well as physical ones. By fine-tuning your radar for deception, you can develop the courage, strength & wisdom to search for a trustworthy partner. In TV crime show, Numb3ers, they prevent a terrorist attack using a 'trust metric' to calculate the loyalty level among suspected terrorists. Some wariness is common among newlyweds and couples in new second marriages. Because the relationships have a limited track record, the trust is often tentative despite their mutual devotion. The result of this uncooperative attitude is endless conflict as each try to get the other to do the work. If you don't have faith in your partner, you take the stance that s/he should change so that you can maximize your own payoffs. Likewise your partner wants to change your behavior for his/her own selfish reasons. When distrust abounds, neither of you includes the other's well-being in your calculations. Trust is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner. The more trust that exists in a relationship, the more you look out for each other. You have your beloved's back, and vice versa. In a trusting relationship you feel pleasure when your partner succeeds and troubled when s/he is upset. You just can't be happy if achieving your payoffs would hurt your significant other. Once they develop more trust, they will cooperate because doing so offers their partner the highest payoff. Trusting each other doesn't mean that they will always put the other's needs ahead of their own. But their happiness will be interconnected. They each change their own behavior to increase the other's payoff. "Nash Equilibrium" Both people end up in a position where they receive their maximum payoff & will not benefit more if they try to change the situation by themselves. 3 boxes: Nasty, Neutral and Nice Nasty - anger, criticism, belligerence, bullying, defensiveness, sadness, disappointment, fear, tension, whining, disgust, stonewalling, contempt. Nice - interest, amusement, humor, laughter, excitement, joy, validation, empathy Neutral - blah reactions When people argue, emotions can shift from moment to moment. In couples w/ trust problems, there are frequent instances when one partner remains happy when the partner is upset; or neutral when the other was happy. There was little interdependency in their reactions.
For high-trust couples, when one couple is happy, the other beams. They are in sync with payoffs dependent on what the other was feeling. Happy couples spend more time in nice and neutral ways, and least time in nasty/neutral spots. They were partial to payoffs that were interdependent, and maximized their partner's benefits as well as their own.
Trustworthiness is different from trust. Trust indicates how deep partners have each other's back. Trustworthiness indicates a partner's willingness to sacrifice for the relationship, to sometimes put their own needs on the back burner b/c the partnership matters most.
Trust and trustworthiness usually go together. When couples are trustworthy, the send each other the message that they are the partnership are unique and irreplaceable. They create the sacred (involving sacrifice). In a longterm committed relationship, sacrifice entails both people agreeing to give the romance priority over other goals & dreams. This is difficult for couples who no longer connect emotionally. These couples cope by leading separate, parallel lives.
Betrayal is how unwilling each partner is to sacrifice for the other & the relationship. If a couple's betrayal metric is elevated often, they are at dire risk for infidelity or other serious disloyalty. Betrayal is when one feels happy when the other feels worse.
Low trust & high betrayal foretell a breakup. It's a bad omen if you have a hard time being Nice when you're arguing.
Calculating Your Trust Metric
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For a relationship to satisfy both partners, you need to spend plenty of time in the Nice box, the home of mutual respect & affection. It's especially important in midst of conflict. Happy couples find a way to respond, at least briefly, in a soothing & loving manner. These couples' trust metrics are high - particularly those who say they appreciate the ability to calm each other. It takes a large measure of trust to do so with success. When Nice couples argue, they work it out.
Repairs are the life jackets of romantic partnerships. Their effectiveness determines whether a relationship will live or die. Repairs are not complicated: jokes, a compliment, a hand squeeze, a question.
In a healthy relationship, a repair lowers the recipient's blood pressure and heart rate. The tension level drops enough to allow reason to prevail. If a couple's conflicts always escalate despite repair attempts, this indicates they are trapped in a spiral of misery. The trouble is the couple's history of unproductive, scarring conflict.
Happy couples have surgical precision for quick forays into the Nice box. The visits usually occur when one partner's physical state indicates a high stress level. Intuition moves the partner into the If there is a high level of trust, you can access the Nice box for brief but critical moments during an argument, allowing for repair & a constructive (or at least, less destructive) discussion. If you're able to lower the heat when necessary to prevent overload, that's a sign of a high trust metric & an ability to elevate the level of trust between you.
During conflict, the Neutral box is not the Land of Blah. It is the place to be throughout a disagreement. Neutral couples are engaged & responsive, but remain calm when expressing disagreement.
Try to argue w/o emotion. Couples who spend the most time being unemotional remain married. During conflict, lovers benefit from spending time in the 'valley of peace' rather than the 'valley of darkness.'
The relief of the Neutral box may be the ultimate expression of relationship trust. The neutral zone is where a happy relationship often ends up.
Unhappy couples get stuck in the misery of the Nasty box. No matter how hard they try or what they say to each other, their efforts to repair their conflicts fall short. Some couples torture each other with loud attacks. Others stew in negative thoughts/feelings. Whatever the style, all nasty partners say they hate fighting. They feel sad & bad but can't stop.
Two things explain the trap. When a couple lands in the Nasty box, at least one may become highly sensitive, physically, to hostility. Flooding describes the physical response - increased pulse, blood pressure, sweat. Men have a more intense fight-or-flight response to perceived danger than women. They also experience arousal for longer after a threat.
Flooding is deadly to relationships. It makes rational thought almost impossible. Tunnel vision focuses on warning signs & escape routes. Humor goes on hiatus as does listening, problem-solving, or understanding emotions.
Depending on circumstance, a flooded partner may choose to confront the partner (attack) or refuse to communicate (run), which is called stonewalling, refusing to respond.
A tendency to flood during arguments prevents repairs fm calming things down. People are unreceptive to (& unaware of) their partner trying to soothe them. No loving message gets thru. Long occupancy in the Negative box kills a couple's trust in each other & faith in their relationship.
Men are more biologically vulnerable to flooding than women. Still, the underlying culprit is the dynamic between the couple, specifically a deficit in attunement. Attunement is the desire & ability to understand & respect your partner's inner world. Attunement offers a blueprint for building & reviving trust in a longterm committed relationship.
Failure to attune follows a specific, 5-step trajectory:
Step 1: Sliding Doors
In a committed relationship, partners constantly ask each other in words & deeds for support & understanding. These requests are 'bids.' Many bids get missed, ignored or misinterpreted. Every bid offers a sliding door moment. When one partner expresses a need for connection, the other either slides open a door & walks thru, or keeps it shut & turns away. Any response that doesn't demonstrate interest & connection slides the door shut. Over time, with an abundance of unhappy endings w/o subsequent discussion, partner(s) may wonder: Do I come first or someone or something else? Is my partner selfish? Can I risk continuing to trust?
Step 2: A Regrettable Incident
As a result of turning away during a sliding door moment, conflict flares. If you're lucky, your partner will be upfront about what's wrong. If offending partner acknowledges & accepts responsibility for his/her part, breach can be repaired. If partner turns away, the hurt & anger trigger a regrettable incident - an eruption of conflict that is an unfortunate part of the relationship's history. Each regrettable incident chisels away at trust.
Step 3: The Zeigarnik Effect
Bluma Zeigarnik observed we have better recall for events that we have not completed than for those we have. We recall unfinished issues more than those we have processed & put to rest. When a sliding door moment leads to a regrettable incident that goes unaddressed, the hurt remains accessible in our active memory, available to be rehashed again & again.
Step 4: Negative Sentiment
When a pattern of broken trust develops, partners think the relationship has emptied out. They no longer feel like friends, but see each other in a negative light. Under Negative Sentiment Override, people tend to see neutral & positive events as negative. Positive gestures aren't recognized 50% of the time.
Negative Sentiment Override Quiz
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Step 5: The Four Horsemen
The more negative a couple's interactions, the less productive the communication. The inability to air grievances in a constructive manner heralds the arrival of 4 things that block success of repairs: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling. Defeating the Four Horsemen is not enough for resolution. That can only be achieved by healing & reestablishing mutual trust.
When a relationship is trapped in negativity, a tragic consequence is erosion & eventual death of the couple's trust in each other. He doesn't care how I feel, and Why can't she be more loving? Each is convinced that the other only cares about their own payoffs. If this perception is not altered through skillful intervention that strengthens their ability to attune, they think the once trustworthy partner is not just ignoring them, but working against them.
Broken relationships end in divorce or linger for years. The fundamental issue: the two no longer trust each other. If they don't learn how to attune, they are at risk for devastating betrayals.
Betrayal can be a red flag that calls attention to deficiencies in a relationship that led at least one partner to feel lonely & devalued. Yet people who stray are not evil. The relationship turns out to be the cause in most cases. Infidelity doesn't happen overnight. S/he heads down the path unwittingly, at a slow, undetected pace. That is why many affairs seem to come out of nowhere. Feelings of self-doubt, worry, anxiety are not communicated. Being silent about discontent leaves partners fuming inside, keeping their distance. While the relationship is in danger, the couple may not perceive/acknowledge the trouble. They think it's just a bad patch, affirming love & support, & both mean it.
The trajectory that causes a couple trust to plummet begins with the tendency to turn away and ignore the partner's emotions. Then there's flooding, a pileup of unresolved regrettable incidents, a tendency to remember unfinished business, negativity, and distrust. Unhappy couples are dismissive of each other's feelings & don't pick up signs of partner's distress. Slowly, they keep their dissatisfactions secret, & avoid confiding needs to prevent more conflict. This attempt to 'save' the relationship has the opposite effect - it gradually drops couple's trust & brings them closer to being stuck in the Nasty box.
This sad trajectory destroys a relationship by turning partners into adversaries, but does not always end in betrayal. Surprisingly, though trust has fallen, some are still trustworthy, sacrificing for the relationship, putting it first. Faith, depression, low self-esteem keep couples fm leaving.
Negative COMP
With untrustworthiness, negative sliding doors lead to negative comparison. The untrustworthy partner doesn't just turn away, but compares the partner to someone else - and the partner loses. Negative COMPS = buyer's remorse.
Infidelity is primed by a lack of sharing the true self combined with negative COMPS.
Typically partners in a longterm, committed relationship keep a window open betwn each other w/ walls to protect their privacy fm the outside world. They bond w/ others but carry within them the safety of this refuge, which is founded on intimacy & trust with each other. But once betrayal invades, their refuge is assaulted.
First comes secret keeping.
Once there's a history of ignoring & dismissing each other's emotions, trust falls, & the couple seeks to avoid conflict so the situation doesn't worsen. When a relationship is fragile, it can seem counterproductive to confide something that hurts the partner. Conflict avoiders equate negative emotions w/ dynamite. Partners stop confiding in each other.
The vast majority of affairs are not caused by lust. If a relationship is satisfying both partners' emotional needs, couples build a wide fence around lustful thoughts. If trust is low, it's important to hold difficult conversations. Most affairs are not about sex, but coping w/ loneliness by finding someone interested in you & longing for companionship.
Porn users are in danger of becoming attached to impersonal sex.
A committed relationship is a contract of mutual trust, respect, nurturance & protection.
Relationship killers: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict), & a yearning for emotional connection that seems unavailable from the partner.
Note: The worst betrayal is physical or emotional abuse. Do not try to improve this relationship. Find help. You deserve support.
Attitudes toward emotions: dismissive vs coaching. Use emotion as an opportunity to connect & help understand feelings.
Recommendation: schedule regular "How was your day?" chats to check in and connect.
Express compassion & empathy. Open up about your feelings. Be an ally. Ginott's motto: Understanding must precede advice. Just be there, listen.
How to Repair
Cognitive Repair: define conflict, ask for credit, compromise, guard, monitor conflict, request direction, stop.
Emotional Repair: Agree, question, express affection, change topic, make promises, use humor, self-disclose, take responsibility, understand, reinforce 'we-ness', we're okay.
90% of the time, couples aren't paying attention at the same time.
Always begin with what's going right. Accentuate the positive.
PAUSE and BREATHE
If you're ambivalent about leaving your lover, you are not ready to rekindle your relationship.
Trust Revival: Atone, Attune, Attach
Atone - express remorse
Confess
Commit to honesty, transparency & verification
Understand what went wrong
Explore reasons for returning
Exact a high cost for future betrayals
Begin to forgive.
Once a baby arrives, keeping distance is way too easy.
Romance: when 2 people nurture & encourage acts & thoughts that cherish the other as unique & irreplaceable. Cherishing a partner is critical to protecting a relationship. Passion: a strong interest that includes desire, curiosity & attraction. Combine the 2 for intimate trust. Often for women, touch leads to desire; for men, desire starts sequence toward wanting sex/touching.
Fondness & Admiration: Happy couples tell their tales w/ warmth, affection, & respect for each other.
A happy, stable, trusting relationship is good for your health. A low-trust one can be deadly.
Learning to Trust
Trust always comes down to risk. If you make yourself vulnerable, there is never a guarantee you won't be hurt. However, learning to trust again is worth it.
Honesty: Do not trust someone who lies to you. Move on.
Transparency: A partner's life should be an open book, w/o secrets.
Accountability: Is there proof that this partner keeps promises? Be suspicious of people who say, Trust me. Trustworthy people don't need to tell you what to think!
Ethical actions: Is this person just & fair? Are values in tune w/ yours? If not, stop.
Proof of Alliance: Being on your side.
True love is woven out of honoring & understanding each other's unique gifts, vulnerabilities & eccentricities, tolerating faults. Learning to cherish another person & allowing that person to cherish you is the greatest blessing of life.
